Defeated

Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.

James 4:7-8

I long to surrender to God, but I strive – doing things in my own strength and usually wearing myself out. I’m realising it’s impossible for me to surrender to him, in my own strength. I need Jesus for every part of my life, in every part of my life.

Without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

Hebrews 11:6

This is a poem, expressing my frustration, and my longing to cease my striving and to rest in God’s peace.

I strive…
pushing within myself
to make things happen.

I need to let go completely…
to lose control…
Then God will meet me.
He will put me together in his image!

Pure rest,
with no fear of loss!

I strive…
I strain…
clasping tightly…
gripping fiercely…
rendering it impossible to receive.

Lord Jesus, I repent.
I repent of my striving.
I repent of my doubt and fear.
I desire to surrender completely to you.

I strive to surrender…
and am defeated.

I can’t surrender to you…
I can’t let go…
I can’t trust you…

This is my sin:
that I am full of pride.

Oh Lord Jesus,
have mercy on me…
for I am indeed a sinner.
Only you can change me
from the core of my being.

Turn me inside out…
Tear me apart
and rebuild me in your image.
Wash me with your blood…
Wash away all the filth and grime…
Wash away my ego and self centeredness.

Purge me!
Empty me,
that I may be filled with your Spirit.

Remove every block,
all resistance,
all doubt and fear,
that I would truly be yours,
for evermore!